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In: Monsters, Mrs. Frieda's

The kids have survived their first day of school! Slightly weary, and more than slightly weirded out, they return home, ready for a relaxing afternoon of taking care of business. Nothing can go wrong now.

Minus the fact that August’s been missing for two weeks. They’re not sure how they let that happen. Truancy officers have come to the Halfway House looking for him, and he’s not answering his door.

August, you see, has started down a very strange path. It’s old, so old, and coated in spiderwebs. He’s not sure where it leads, but he knows that somewhere, the Spider Queen is waiting for him. She holds the key to his history, and his family, and the reasons why his body has begun to develop such frightening characteristics.

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In: Homebrew

You are one of the most dangerous Danger Guys in the city. There isn’t a problem you haven’t been able to sum up with a one-liner and a squinting of the eyes, a building you haven’t jumped off of for no reason, or an explosion that has remained un-walked away from. It doesn’t have the best job benefits, but after all, chicks dig scars.

It is a hot day. Noon. You enter a drinking establishment. What will you do?

>Blow Something Up

Unfortunately, the Danger Factor of this drinking establishment is too low. There aren’t any explosives in here. In fact, looking at the menu, there’s not even anything flammable in here. Unless you count tongue burns from weak tea “flammable”.

>Insult the owner of the establishment

You insult the owner of the establishment, calling her a “Fancy Trollop”, and a “High Brow-ed, Hootin’ Tootin’ Ruffian.” It appears that some witchcraft has switched your voice with that of the notorious Ugly Jeb, a patron of this establishment.

>Punch Ugly Jeb in the throat and reclaim your voice.

You punch the ugly troublemaker square in the voicebox and he lets out a high-pitched yowl. It appears that the same witchcraft which switched your voice for his has put St. Cat Robbelson’s finely tempered cat noise-box into his throat.

>Look for St. Cat Robbelson

You find the feline and feast your eyes upon the lavish throne he has been gifted by the Fancy Trollop who runs this establishment. He is curled upon the seat of Better Than You Land, in the Regal Nap Position. One eye stares at you from behind an adorable paw.

>Approach the throne and offer your benedictions.

You approach the throne and swagger down onto one knee. You don’t bow for any man, but this is no man. This is a cat. St. Cat Robbelson enters the Holy Stretching Yowl Position and then leaps down from the Throne of High Horse. He eyes you with an appraising glance.

>Refuse to Wither Under His Glare

He finds you fitting for a task of regal proportions (and attractive, to boot). He says, with your voice, that in order to reclaim your voice box, you must travel and do battle with the hated denizens of Dog Planet Incognito. He hands you the Royal Cat Scepter and re-enters the Regal Nap Position in a Holy Sunbeam.

>Travel to Dog Planet Incognito

You can’t go there yet! Your MP3 listening device doesn’t have nearly enough content filled in it to make such a long journey!

>Ask the Fancy Trollop for directions to the nearest MP3 Vending Machine

The Fancy Trollop eyes you with disdain and then points down the street to the large neon sign which says “FREE MP3s FOR DOWNLOAD!” You go to there and find that the vending machine is SOLD OUT, except for one slot. The graphic on the button shows an ugly man punching a horse.

>Download Drunk and Ugly Podcast

You are one of the top Drunk and Ugly listeners in the city. Your MP3 listening device is chock full of riotous games by some of the Toughest Round These Parts. You go to the Actual Play page and see that there’s a brand new episode up for download. “Complete Bull$#!@,” you think, as you begin to read over the excellent write-up, “this sounds wonderful!”

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In: Justice For All, Sordid Dystopia

The Lejuene’s kids have been kidnapped by the Vaden Exiles. Uszhi is following Adora to an uncertain destination. Roland, Edouard, and Niklas are busy trying not to be killed by Sar.

Things are going well.

All of the lines of fate have brought our heroes into Vaden. Who will emerge is in doubt. The last notes of the song of the Umbra are being played.

All stories must end.

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In: Justice For All, Sordid Dystopia

Several weeks after the encounter with the Exiles, Paskal runs through the town, calling a town meeting. Roland is about to reveal the true nature of the Umbra to the gathered masses. His message will trigger the wrath of the Exiles. Nachsun stands on the brink of civil war. Diplomacy is impossible.

Nachsun’s choice is clear: wait for war to come to their doorstep, or travel to Vaden and slay the Exile King. The final battle looms. The fate of the Umbra hangs in the balance. Things are sliding. The tipping point will come soon.

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In: Sordid Dystopia

Last time, the gang went to the strangest place in the world, and chose not to be eaten and digested in blissful ignorance for hundreds of years. Roland has also suffered the worst string of misfortune ever, and is still sans a house.

Lejune’s off to scout for more horrible denizens of the island, and leaves Roland behind to babysit.  Again.

We also learn about 18th Century gun safety! And St. Cat Robbelson is adorable as ever. It is just another day in Lejune’s Home for Displaced Umbra.

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