Spoilers ahead! Here is the text log that convinced me that we needed to discuss all of the Michael Bay Transformers films:
Space Cow – 12/23/2017
also watching transformers last knight
this movie is as dumb as the others
for some reason hot rod has a really racist french accent
ClockwurkeBear – 12/23/2017
I forgot those movies happened?
Space Cow – 12/23/2017
also turns out shia lebouf’s character is related to merlin
also this movie has king arthur in it?
ClockwurkeBear – 12/23/2017
no
I refuse
Space Cow – 12/23/2017
and bumblebee kills some nazis
ClockwurkeBear – 12/23/2017
I would too
Space Cow – 12/23/2017
anthony hopkins is also related to merlin and has a psychotic clockwork robot
and he keeps arthur’s round table in his basement
which also the knights of cybertron sit around
excalibur was an laien artifact
as was merlin’s staff
anyway mark walberg is the titular Last Knight
he was picked by a dying robot
also the round table is an alien artifact
hahhaha f***
so they’re all cornered
and then hot rod says “i have a gun that can stop time”
and traps everone in a time distortion bubble
literally he just pulls a time stopping gun out of his ass and the problem is instantly solved
and also EARTH IS UNICRON
and now they’re on a transformer sub and this english woman is getting it to take them to merlin’s staff
ClockwurkeBear – 12/23/2017
This sounds like a fever dream
Space Cow – 12/23/2017
it feels like one
now having some epic sub battles that ended instantly
the robot is on the sub with them and making them a last supper before they die
oh also hitler was killed by a transformer
stonehenge is the center of unicron(edited)
cybertron has destroyed the moon
it will collide with the earth in 12 hours
mark wahlberg is getting followed by a secret seal team
into an alien ship on the bottom of the ship
they found merlin’s tomb
in the alien ship
the tomb didn’t have his staff in it
i’m guessing the stick is imerlin’s staff but like
transformed
yep
it only responds to merlins’ dna
so the descendant of merlin can wield it
now a bunch of zombie transformers are killing the seals yelling PROTECT THE STAFF
optimus prime has taken the staff
and also he’s evil
because the transformers god made him evil
ClockwurkeBear – 12/23/2017
I hate htis
Space Cow – 12/23/2017
the transformers god is trying to rebuild cybertron by destroying earth
and bumblebee and otimus are having an epic battle
bumblebee finally says “i am bumblebee and i would lay down my life for you” and now optimus is not evil
anyway the military is here and they’re gonna f*** everything up
megatron has the staff
and optmus is getting buttf***ed by like 10 decepticons
uh and now mark wahlberg has excalibur
and everyone is bowing to him
anyway now everyone is teaming up to kill quintessa (the transformers god)
cybrton is collindg with earth now
the army found the death weapon and now they’re trying to blow it up
ANTHONY HOPKINS WALKING STICK IS A TRANSFORMER
ANTHONY HOPKINS IS FIGHTING MEGATRON
and he’s dead
optimus is leading everyone to the death chamber because vivian is theo nly one who can wield the staff
so only this one human woman can kill the transformer god
because it’s bound to merlin’s dna
welp cybertron is destroying earth now
and now the anti-mnument part
and apparently the earth’s core is cooling and we’re all gonna die
and now all the knights of cyberton have fused into a dragon
army is leading everyone to the “ignition chamber” but there’s some big gun stopping them(edited)
nasa called in saying “how about physics” and came up with a thing to blow it up with nukes
the msmalles t ugliest robot just blew up the big gun
and optimus and the dragon showed up just after everyone gave up
and then optimus prime just beheaded like 9 decepticons at once
and the air force maybe saves the day
probably not
we’ll see how phsyics doesn’t save them(edited)
the ignition chamber was knocked out of the thing
but it idn’t stop cybertron
fortunately they still have the magic staff
hot rod still has his timestopping gun and is doing some jojos s***
and optimus prime kicks megatron out of the planet
oops and the magic staff was released
she’s got it again
optimus is fighting god
and bumblebee killed god
and hot rod uses his time stopping gun to save the day
also bumblebee can just talk again for some reason
oh there’s a stinger
there’s more movies
transformer’s god is still alive
the end
also watching transformers last knight
this movie is as dumb as the others
for some reason hot rod has a really racist french accent
ClockwurkeBear – 12/23/2017
I forgot those movies happened?
Space Cow – 12/23/2017
also turns out shia lebouf’s character is related to merlin
also this movie has king arthur in it?
ClockwurkeBear – 12/23/2017
no
I refuse
Space Cow – 12/23/2017
and bumblebee kills some nazis
ClockwurkeBear – 12/23/2017
I would too
Space Cow – 12/23/2017
anthony hopkins is also related to merlin and has a psychotic clockwork robot
and he keeps arthur’s round table in his basement
which also the knights of cybertron sit around
excalibur was an laien artifact
as was merlin’s staff
anyway mark walberg is the titular Last Knight
he was picked by a dying robot
also the round table is an alien artifact
hahhaha f***
so they’re all cornered
and then hot rod says “i have a gun that can stop time”
and traps everone in a time distortion bubble
literally he just pulls a time stopping gun out of his ass and the problem is instantly solved
and also EARTH IS UNICRON
and now they’re on a transformer sub and this english woman is getting it to take them to merlin’s staff
ClockwurkeBear – 12/23/2017
This sounds like a fever dream
Space Cow – 12/23/2017
it feels like one
now having some epic sub battles that ended instantly
the robot is on the sub with them and making them a last supper before they die
oh also hitler was killed by a transformer
stonehenge is the center of unicron(edited)
cybertron has destroyed the moon
it will collide with the earth in 12 hours
mark wahlberg is getting followed by a secret seal team
into an alien ship on the bottom of the ship
they found merlin’s tomb
in the alien ship
the tomb didn’t have his staff in it
i’m guessing the stick is imerlin’s staff but like
transformed
yep
it only responds to merlins’ dna
so the descendant of merlin can wield it
now a bunch of zombie transformers are killing the seals yelling PROTECT THE STAFF
optimus prime has taken the staff
and also he’s evil
because the transformers god made him evil
ClockwurkeBear – 12/23/2017
I hate htis
Space Cow – 12/23/2017
the transformers god is trying to rebuild cybertron by destroying earth
and bumblebee and otimus are having an epic battle
bumblebee finally says “i am bumblebee and i would lay down my life for you” and now optimus is not evil
anyway the military is here and they’re gonna f*** everything up
megatron has the staff
and optmus is getting buttf***ed by like 10 decepticons
uh and now mark wahlberg has excalibur
and everyone is bowing to him
anyway now everyone is teaming up to kill quintessa (the transformers god)
cybrton is collindg with earth now
the army found the death weapon and now they’re trying to blow it up
ANTHONY HOPKINS WALKING STICK IS A TRANSFORMER
ANTHONY HOPKINS IS FIGHTING MEGATRON
and he’s dead
optimus is leading everyone to the death chamber because vivian is theo nly one who can wield the staff
so only this one human woman can kill the transformer god
because it’s bound to merlin’s dna
welp cybertron is destroying earth now
and now the anti-mnument part
and apparently the earth’s core is cooling and we’re all gonna die
and now all the knights of cyberton have fused into a dragon
army is leading everyone to the “ignition chamber” but there’s some big gun stopping them(edited)
nasa called in saying “how about physics” and came up with a thing to blow it up with nukes
the msmalles t ugliest robot just blew up the big gun
and optimus and the dragon showed up just after everyone gave up
and then optimus prime just beheaded like 9 decepticons at once
and the air force maybe saves the day
probably not
we’ll see how phsyics doesn’t save them(edited)
the ignition chamber was knocked out of the thing
but it idn’t stop cybertron
fortunately they still have the magic staff
hot rod still has his timestopping gun and is doing some jojos s***
and optimus prime kicks megatron out of the planet
oops and the magic staff was released
she’s got it again
optimus is fighting god
and bumblebee killed god
and hot rod uses his time stopping gun to save the day
also bumblebee can just talk again for some reason
oh there’s a stinger
there’s more movies
transformer’s god is still alive
the end
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